hopes for tomorrow

My life at the moment is a bit complicated. That's it. I have inner fears that hinder me from being happy. I remember how my life was so simple back then yet I know I was happy and very much at peace.

Last year, I had made a tremendous effort for my career. God knows how much I prayed and how much I hoped for it. There were unfathomable pains, rejections, regrets and failures along the way. Last year was very tough for me. Now I am becoming too afraid of the future. I am afraid that what if this time around, I will go through the same pain again. Work, in all honesty is something that could bring me happiness considering my present situation. I have been feeling so useless for not being able to do my role in the family. No one can never understand how much I feel the hardship of my parents and yet, at the moment, I just could not do anything about it. I guess no one knows how much that hurt me. 

"God is with me in all these pains. I know that I was never alone. I should not be afraid to face my tomorrow because it's already been planned by Him --- for my best." I know and I believe in all these. But sometimes, I am just being too pushy on things. I tend to become impatient. I complain and when I feel overwhelmed with  all the worries, I am losing my hope that nothing good will ever come out from all the unlikely situations I am heavily going through. I was never like this before. I was never pessimistic towards life.

With all the pains in the past, I think those were enough for me to become better in handling difficulties ahead.  I will pray even harder. I hope that God will grant me the courage for me to overcome my fears. I know God's silence in answering my prayers is not actually a "NO" but I guess a "YES" for something better. I believe this year, I'll finally have the job I am working on so hard. I pray for people who can  be instruments of God's love for me and with that, I will be forever thankful to them for the rest of my life. I cannot win this quest alone. I need people to guide me, to help me and most of all I need God to inspire me, to give me courage, and to strengthen me when things are getting tough. 

I know in time, I will gain the happiness, peace and simplicity of life I once enjoyed in the past. In time, things will get better. Everything will fall into place, the desires of my heart will soon finally be answered. Everything will soon make sense, in His time. :)